The Logic of Self-Sabotage & How to Grow Beyond It
Dec 15, 2019
Have you ever wanted to experience something different in your life yet you kept stopping yourself from allowing it to happen?
If you are nodding your head yes, this is for you!
What is Self-Sabotage:
A thought, belief or behavior that undermines your success despite your desire to experience something different than what you’ve been experiencing in your world.
Whether it’s in a relationship, job, with money, self-sabotage is when a part of you (your subconscious) is working against your conscious self.
"Yup, I know that Heather, but WHY do I do it?” you ask?
Keep reading grasshopper!
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Every human experiences some level of self-sabotage at some point in their lives.
It seems illogical on the surface —why would we intentionally do things that prevent us from getting what we think we want?
When we dive a little deeper, we can see that sabotage has its own logic.
The Logic of Self-Sabotage
Our subconscious is 95% of who we are…it’s those patterns that we aren’t always aware of yet drive the majority of our actions.
Self-Sabotage is our unconscious way of keeping us safe. It doesn’t want you to feel fear, worry or sadness so it will do everything it can to stop anything from allowing you to experiencing that.
Self-Sabotage gives us the certainty of being right…“see, I told you that you couldn’t do it”...and we all love to be right (even if it is at the expense of our growth).
It also gives us familiarity. Your subconscious knows & is familiar with the current feeling of struggle. We are more comfortable with the “devil we know” as the old saying goes.
Your body is at an energetic set-point; in order to shift out of it, the energetic frequency in your body needs to be changed and that is threatening and scary to the subconscious so it does self-sabotaging behaviors to keep it “safe”.
Ways Self-Sabotage Shows Up:
Generationally
We can often see patterns in family systems.
This may show up in statements like “everyone in my family is broke”; “all the women in my family struggle with…..”.
Feelings/Emotions
Our feelings let us know what we believe about life.
It’s not a far leap to assume that if one feels worthless, undeserving, not enough on a daily basis, self-sabotage may show up regularly in one’s life.
Fears
Beyond the fears of physical harm, when one consistently has fears of being judged by others or having others be jealous of you, it’s also a strong probability that self-sabotage is a part of one’s life.
Signs of Self-Sabotage:
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors:
I don’t think we really need a list of self-sabotaging behaviors…but in case you do, these behaviors may look like:
- Negative self-talk
- Stopping forward motion on a project/task/goal
- Procrastination or “forgetting” to do something
- Focusing on what’s going wrong
- Not celebrating small victories
- Faking how you feel (acting as if you are happy/excited about something when you are really sad, angry or resentful)
- Eating too much or numbing out from eating
- Saying no to great opportunities because you are afraid of failing or screwing up
- Numbing out with TV/Drinking/drugs
- Choosing to be unhappy
- Pushing people out of your life because you believe you are unlovable
Self-Sabotaging Thoughts:
And, here is a sampling of some self-sabotage statements in case you are unsure of what those may sound like:
- "I can’t do it"
- "I’m not good enough"
- "I always fail, why bother?"
- "I don’t deserve it"
- "It has to be perfect before I put “it” out into the world"
- "I have to be perfect before I am lovable"
How to Grow Beyond Self-Sabotage
It IS possible to get beyond the self-sabotaging behaviors…with a little effort on the conscious level and some releasing some junk on the subconscious level, I promise, it is possible!
Here are the steps:
1. Listen to the voices in your head.
What are the words that you are hearing when you find yourself in sabotage mode? Write them down so you can see them.
Ask “who’s voice is this?”—Mom? Dad? Sibling? Old teacher? Yourself? Someone else?
Get clear on who’s saying it (this may take some time but well worth the investment in time).
2. Feel the feelings; Shift the emotions
Notice what feelings come up for you and where you feel them in your body.
Feelings are automatic responses to a stimulus; emotions are the response to the thought/belief. When you feel your feelings, what do you say about them?
For example; if you want to ask your boss for a raise and you feel afraid to ask, what do you tell yourself about that fear?
Do you tell yourself you are stupid for being afraid? That if you were stronger that you wouldn’t be afraid?
Just notice what you are saying about the feeling then, question the thought.
Ask things like:
* “is that really true?
* Is this what I want to believe?
* If I grew beyond this pattern, what would I believe about this thought?
Decide if you want to keep that meaning or create a different, empowering meaning.
3. Release the trapped emotions/trauma
This is the part that everything is missing when they talk about self-sabotage.
Yes, we need to deal with the conscious level patterns/thoughts that are continuing our behaviors AND we also need to erase that trapped emotions and trauma that are driving your subconscious.
Once we shift the energetic frequency in your body that’s keeping you stuck, you will naturally move towards more expansive, supportive behaviors.
This is what we are going to be focusing on during this Monday night's energy-releasing event.
At 8 pm EST on Zoom or streaming on my personal FB page (if the technology gods allow it) I’ll work with as many people as possible to release trapped emotions that are keeping you stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage.
There’s way deeper work that I do with people when we work 1:1 together but this will give you a great experience in what it’s like to focus on the subconscious and release what’s holding you back from having the body and life you love.
4. Create a community to support WHO you desire to be.
There is a saying from Jim Rohn that we are the average of the five people you surround yourself with. I’ve read articles that it goes beyond the five people you surround yourself with —it’s the people they surround themselves with as well.
Notice those whom you spend the most amount of time with. Are they people who consistently engage in Self-Sabotaging thoughts and behaviors or ones who take the time to evaluate their thoughts and release trapped emotions that are keeping them stuck?
Our community can literally create our reality ~ is yours one that you are proud to be a part of?
Like this?
If you’ve done a lot of work in either therapy or coaching on self-sabotage and haven’t seen as many shifts as you’d like, it may be because you’ve only been working with the conscious self, which is 5% of who you are.
If you want to start exploring working with the 95% of who you are (your subconscious), I’d love to help you.
Here’s a link to my calendar to set up a time to talk about how we can work to shift the energetic frequency in your body from self-sabotage to self-success!